I’ve been meaning to write this post for a long time. It’s kind of muddled in my head, though, and it was hard to make myself sit down and write. (There’s a book calling me right now! ) I enjoy writing on the light side, and making fun of myself is a hoot, but getting personal is harder, hence the procrastinating.
So here is the thought bouncing around my head—what if, in my blogging, I’ve created a perfect family that doesn’t really exist? Perfection is a dangerous ideal. At times, I’ve sought to be the perfect wife and mom and fallen woefully short. It only leads to depression and despair because it’s unattainable, but also because it takes our eyes off of Christ when we focus on ourselves.
My vision for my blog is to encourage other moms on their journey. I wanted my writing to be uplifting—there is so much out there that is tearing down motherhood. I wanted to be different, but I realize that there is danger in only including the smiles. I’ve always tried to be open and real about my own struggles: my chaotic housekeeping methods, my phobias, my dark past, my anger, but it just doesn’t seem right to share publicly the struggles that my children and husband face, so I’ve kept silent about a lot of the trials that we go through.
That’s one of the reasons why I’ve done so little blogging lately. I want to be real, but I don’t want to hurt my family by sharing what isn’t mine to share. After praying about this, I feel like I should keep writing, but that I also need to be open and honest and let you know that we face the same problems you do. Sometimes I lose my temper and yell at my kids, and sometimes, I lose my focus and forget that being a mom and wife is the work given to me by God. Sometimes my children talk back and they fight far too often. This is hard work, unbelievably hard, but it’s wonderful work too and eternally significant.
When it seems like you can’t possibly carry on, look to Jesus. Let Him carry you. Trust that He will.
Posted in Family, Life | Tagged being real, honesty, image, impossible ideals, motherhood | 2 Comments »
My perspective has changed. It wasn’t very long ago that I felt the pangs of loneliness while life seemed to race past me. I loved my children. I wanted to be at home with them, but it seemed rather dull. At one point, I had four children under five and the dirty diapers, well, they really just seemed endless.
Life is still racing past, but it’s not the world outside these walls that I’m yearning for. The ache inside me is from the realization that my children are growing, changing and one day leaving. Time is short and oh so precious.
And as for diapers… I love changing little bums now! I know you’re going to think I’m crazy, but I find little as funny as a baby grunting, his little nose flared, eyes watering as he poops. Taking that yucky mess, and making that plump little bottom fresh and clean again is joy. I always take a minute or two to tickle the ball-like belly, or play “This Little Piggy” with tiny toes. Diaper changes are those perfect little play times built into my day.
I must be crazy, who in their right mind writes sentimentally about poop? But if this is madness then it’s enviable, finding delight… in the simple things of life.
Posted in Family, Life | Tagged diaper changing, fleeting moments, joyful mothering, nostalgia | Leave a Comment »
This past weekend I had the opportunity to take a two day doula workshop. It was hard for me to go. I fretted about being gone so much and it was the longest that I’ve been away from my one year old.
The course was scheduled for 9 hours on Saturday and Sunday and then I had 3 hours of driving on top of that both days. I’m so thankful that I was able to go though. It was an incredible group of women and we shared both laughter and tears.
Apparently, William asked for me throughout the weekend and both he and Joel started up a chant at one point, “Mama, Mama, Mama!” :) Oh, how sweet it was to come home and be surrounded by all their beautiful smiles. Kevin and I kept the little boys up a bit late on Saturday and we just snuggled and played on the floor together.
On Sunday, Kevin texted me a picture of William and Joel that he had taken that day. “The day in their lives that you missed!” my friend quipped, and I felt the sting of tears behind my eyes. “Two days!” I said with a pang. I longed to be home, but I also wanted to take the opportunity to visit some friends I don’t often get to see. I left their house at 8:00 pm and still had an hour drive before I got home. I tried not to drive too fast, but I was worried that the children would all be in bed.
I ran up to the house and joy flooded through me when I saw Joel quietly playing while Kevin played guitar. My baby… my sweet baby. “Joel,” I called to him softly. He turned and gave me a gentle smile. I gathered him into my arms and he just melted, his little body snuggling into my embrace. I danced around the room with him. He rarely cuddles now. There’s just so much to see and do! But that night he just wanted to be close. After a while I sat on the couch with him and he would jump into my arms and wriggle his little head into the nape of my neck and then jump up, laugh, and do it all over again.
Yes, absence does seem to make the heart grow fonder, or at least it makes us realize how precious our loved ones are. But, like taking too long of a break from exercise, I think that absence also weakens our stamina! I have found myself thinking, “Wow, six kids is a lot of kids!” But when I’m away… I know that there’s nowhere that I’d rather be than right here at home… surrounded by those that I love.
The day that I missed
Posted in Family, Life | Tagged absence, children, love, motherhood, tenderness | 2 Comments »
Tonight was movie night. My husband tends to pick westerns and adventure films. I pick dramas and tear jerkers. It was my night to pick a movie. Yep, I’ve been crying.
We watched The Grace Card. It came across as somewhat low budget, but the acting was great and the story powerful. I won’t ruin the movie for you, but God took the repentance and forgiveness theme and brought it home to my heart.
“What’s wrong?” my husband asked as my tears made a damp spot on his jeans. “I just want to be a good mom,” I managed to sputter.
Really, I had no idea that being a mom would be this hard. I thought that “all we needed was love.” And now, 13 years into motherhood, I realize that I will never be “good enough.” I will make mistakes. I will fall short. I will hurt my children. And that… is why I was crying.
Wednesday I was exhausted and irritable. Thursday and today I was still feeling rundown and got caught up with homeschool and weight loss. In short, I’ve been a grumpy and distracted mom and my relationship with my children has suffered.
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” ~ 1 John 1:9
Is there anything as lovely as grace and forgiveness? Oh how sweet this is to me! I prayed, “Lord, please forgive me for hurting your little ones,” and He did, He does. Tomorrow, I will ask my precious children to forgive me. That’s the reset button… repentance.
Posted in Family, Life | Tagged 1 John 1:9, children, confession, forgiveness, love, motherhood, repentance | 6 Comments »
Part of me was hoping for a dramatic ending to the day’s scenario. (Wouldn’t pictures of a splintered door make for an exciting blog post?!) But, as it happened, my son quietly appeared after an hour and a half and ran outside to play. He emerged calm and cheerful and we had a wonderful day.
Doesn’t it just give rest to your soul knowing that our sovereign and loving God, both opens, and closes the doors in our lives. His timing is perfect. His ways are perfect.
I’ll end with a few pictures from the day.
Joel helping Myra open presents.
The cake that Myra made and iced.
Posted in Family, Life | Tagged birthdays | 4 Comments »
April 10th 2013, 11:00 am
I’m curious about how this day will turn out and decided to write this journal style. I’m inwardly laughing and I know that I shouldn’t be!
It is Myra’s 13th birthday today. (Wow, thirteen years ago I became a mom!) One of my 8 year old sons tends to go wild when the routine changes and he doesn’t handle excitement very well. I noticed that he was starting to get really hyper over all the birthday excitement. “I’ve got to get things under control.” I said to myself.
My son got in an argument with a sibling and stomped off to his room. I pushed against the door and found it wouldn’t budge. “Please move away from the door,” I said and then gave the door a harder shove.
“I’m not against the door,” was the reply. That’s when I noticed that solitary seeking son had wedged screw drivers under the door, and that I, had gotten them stuck tight by pushing against the door.
I’ll admit. I really haven’t tried very hard to open the door. There was room under the door to pass some school work and pencils and I will be able to give him some food, (crackers anyway.) Things are wonderfully calm and peaceful and I think that it is a fitting consequence for the aforementioned outburst.
I find it absolutely hilarious and I’ve had a terrible time trying to keep a straight face around the children. I am reminded about being locked in a bathroom with a friend when I was about his age (maybe a little older.) We were there for hours and hours and my friend’s brother threw us cherries through the window, (that was unfortunately too small to get out of.) Finally we were rescued when a family friend broke down the door. It’s a good memory. Maybe that’s why I’m laughing inside. He’s making memories!
I also know that my husband will not see the humor in it, especially if he has to break down the door…
Oh my… I’m sure I’ll never grow up!
To be continued…
Posted in Family, Life | Tagged birthdays, children, consequences | 1 Comment »